Today at work I heard about a fasting diet over the radio. Although we’re supposed to work in silence, I often use headphones to listen to the radio in defiance of this rule. For the past 2 years, I’ve embraced the uphill climb that is eating disorder recovery. In spite of eating next to nothing, I never became thin. I stayed average size if not slightly larger than average eating 1,000 calories a day at most and 300 or less at the least. My eating disorder only damaged my metabolism. I grew weak, constantly exhausted, and my hair began to fall out in chunks. My skin was dry and flaky even in the summer and the circles under my eyes became so dark that I looked like I had 2 black eyes most of the time. My nails broke off in chunks and layers. In spite of this, I never became thin.
Lately I’ve been supremely dissatisfied with my weight. Someone took an unflattering photo of me in a pink t-shirt sitting in a lawn chair with bad posture and all I could think was how enormous I have become. Huge, blubbery, and gelatinous…disgusting. While I have gained weight so much so that I’m now overweight, I have regained much of my health. I wish this alone were enough to stop the deluge of negativity from my panicked mind.
Although part of my therapy is to never again go on a diet, I’m considering fasting 2 days a week. Two days at 500 calories each, and 5 days eating normally. Maybe fasting for 2 days will help my metabolism normalize again and stop packing on every last pound after years of starvation. Two days of starvation. Five days of eating normally. Five days to convince my body to stop this pack rat behavior that is making me so large and huge and disgusting.