I want to go out to my car and cry

“If anyone needs me, I’ll be back in a few.”

“Where are you going?”

“I’m just gonna pick up something small. My stomach isn’t too happy.”, I said with a smiling face politely excusing myself from lunch time companionship.

What an understatement. Since this morning, my stomach has been on fire with indigestion and cramps. After almost an hour of waiting, the rheumatologist gave me a cortisone injection in each hip then another in my back. The injection sites are sore in addition to the serious pre-existing pain in lower back that is radiating down my left leg in sharp electric bursts.

Really, I want to go out to my car and cry. I didn’t tell anyone at work about the injections. I have learned from past experience not to. There is no one I can talk to about the pain or the worried expression on the rheumatologist’s face. Except maybe my therapist who I don’t have money to book an appointment with. Gee, thanks insurance.

I’m losing my ability to do normal activities. Will I bounce back after this bout of pain, or is this it? Is this when I have to sell my house and give up my pets because I can’t care for them without help? Hopefully I’ll bounce back, but I never know.

Of course I won’t actually spend my break crying in my car. Crying doesn’t help me. Crying just ruins my makeup and makes me look like I’ve been punched in the eyes for the rest of the day and I don’t want to spend the rest of the day being asked if I’m ok. I’m not ok. But since when has it mattered?

This isn’t some over-emotional-depressive-emo rant, either. When was the last time most of you hurt for a friend suffering from a painful chronic illness? When was the last time you and your friends waited for that person to finish talking about how sick they are so you could move on to a topic of conversation more relevant to your lives? This is just the nature of people. It’s just what they do.

7 thoughts on “I want to go out to my car and cry

  1. {{{hugs}}}. I honestly don’t have friends who suffer with chronic pain. My mom does, and I always listen to her. I feel helpless to help because I can’t do anything to make it not hurt. I try not to only talk about topics that are relevant to my life because I know what it feels like to be ignored.

    1. I think the helpless feeling loved ones get from listening to us talk about pain is the reason most people stop listening. They don’t know what to do or how to help, so they just avoid us/talking about pain to begin with.

  2. I so greatly wish that you coul be pain free. Or have someone in your life that understands you can’t do it all on your own 😦 I understand the horros of dealing with chronic pain although not nearly as bad as you. I hope you feel better soon love

    1. Thanks. And being in chronic pain still sucks even if it isn’t as bad as someone else’s pain. You still have to deal with it and it’s still pain. I hope you feel better too. 🙂

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