“If anyone needs me, I’ll be back in a few.”
“Where are you going?”
“I’m just gonna pick up something small. My stomach isn’t too happy.”, I said with a smiling face politely excusing myself from lunch time companionship.
What an understatement. Since this morning, my stomach has been on fire with indigestion and cramps. After almost an hour of waiting, the rheumatologist gave me a cortisone injection in each hip then another in my back. The injection sites are sore in addition to the serious pre-existing pain in lower back that is radiating down my left leg in sharp electric bursts.
Really, I want to go out to my car and cry. I didn’t tell anyone at work about the injections. I have learned from past experience not to. There is no one I can talk to about the pain or the worried expression on the rheumatologist’s face. Except maybe my therapist who I don’t have money to book an appointment with. Gee, thanks insurance.
I’m losing my ability to do normal activities. Will I bounce back after this bout of pain, or is this it? Is this when I have to sell my house and give up my pets because I can’t care for them without help? Hopefully I’ll bounce back, but I never know.
Of course I won’t actually spend my break crying in my car. Crying doesn’t help me. Crying just ruins my makeup and makes me look like I’ve been punched in the eyes for the rest of the day and I don’t want to spend the rest of the day being asked if I’m ok. I’m not ok. But since when has it mattered?
This isn’t some over-emotional-depressive-emo rant, either. When was the last time most of you hurt for a friend suffering from a painful chronic illness? When was the last time you and your friends waited for that person to finish talking about how sick they are so you could move on to a topic of conversation more relevant to your lives? This is just the nature of people. It’s just what they do.