No one wants a crazy girl

“Of course you’ve lost weight. You haven’t eaten anything!”

Jonathan doesn’t know I’m in recovery. He doesn’t know I ever had an eating disorder. Most people don’t. I never got “thin”. I was never underweight or gaunt, I just went days without eating worked out obsessively, abused laxatives, and punished myself for eating. Yep. Even fat girls can have eating disorders.

Currently, I’m overweight. 230lbs. 5′ 7″. Size 16/18 I struggle with thoughts of dieting and obsessive calorie counting. I frequently consider starving myself since that’s the only way I’ve ever been able to lose weight. Yet, I don’t. I balance on the fine thread of recovery; acknowledging but not acting on the compulsions.

I don’t weigh myself anymore. I used to weigh myself obsessively. Upon waking. After showering. After eating. After defecating…

Lately it seems I’ve lost a few pounds. My pants feel loose. Jonathan thinks it’s because I haven’t been eating. I think it’s because I’ve been working hard at recovery.

There are things you just can’t tell someone. An eating disorder is one of those things. Only crazy people have eating disorders and no one wants to be married to a crazy person.