What caused my parents to stop caring for me?

When I was in high school, I often wore my father’s clothes. This wasn’t a fashion statement or trend. I just didn’t have enough clothes to wear and my dad’s clothes were close to my size. I didn’t have enough clothes of my own to last the 5 day school week.

Why did my parents stopped buying clothes for me? My mother always talked about how she never did anything for herself and claimed that her therapist told her to spend money on herself, but she was always going to stores. Thrift stores and discount stores were her favorites and, although I was never allowed in her room, when I peaked in I could see bags of new things piled high around her bed. There were clothes and shoes for my brother and sister, but never clothes and shoes for me.

I remember the last thing she bought me. I was 12 and she bought me a Nike shirt that was too large. Nike shirts were popular then and I desperately wanted to fit in. Instead I wore oversized men’s t-shirts, flannels, khaki slacks, and hoodies all worn to the point of being patched.

What caused my parents to stop caring for me? More importantly, what caused them to stop caring about me.

Ugh…BeardBoy again!

A few minutes ago I was feeling bummed that I’m missing dinner with friends tonight. Then I saw a photo of BeardBoy and DoucheCanoe on facebook who apparently invited themselves to the dinner. Missing out on seeing those two jokers is the best thing that’s happened all day.

It’s all a matter of perspective. Sometimes you miss events and missing the event was just meant to be.

My parents don’t know I’m getting married

I haven’t told my family I’m marrying Jonathan in April. In fact, I’ve gone to great lengths to keep our pending marriage secret.

At least once a week I have a terrible nightmare that my mother is trying to steal my house. She thew me out when I was 17. I was homeless until I turned 18 and was old enough to sign a lease for an apartment.

The whole family knew about my first marriage. I was proud of the fact someone wanted to keep me around. See? I’m not worthless! Someone wants me! See? When Adam left me for another woman and emptied our joint accounts, I was deeply embarrassed. My father, who I told first, threatened to tell the entire family if I didn’t call them all right away. My mother told me I had made the biggest mistake of my life and later laughed in my face.

Since then, I’ve distanced myself from my toxic family. They don’t determine my worth and I’ll be damned if they have a say in my life choices.

How to get a kid to puke in the toilet

The 12yr old has a stomach virus. He’s been throwing up in the floor. He clearly knows he’s going to be sick because his stomach cramps and he declares at least 5-10 minutes in advance that he’s going to be sick. We tell him to go to the bathroom. He doesn’t. He waits then throws up in the floor.

Every. Single. Time.  I can see once or twice. The pukes sneak up on you sometimes. But this is every time.

How do you get a 12yr old boy to puke in the toilet…or at least a bucket?

Isn’t 12 a bit old to insist on puking in the floor when it’s clear that he KNOWS he’s going to be sick with plenty of advance warning?

I just can’t make up my mind

Suffering from another episode of back pain. I’m so very sick of having arthritis. I can’t do even the most basic physical activity without suffering for days after. I took a muscle relaxer which helped with the pain, but made me feel tired a slightly high.

I managed to do a little laundry, but otherwise I’ve been stuck on the couch watching episode after episode of Law & Order: SVU. Each episode wraps up with a neat confession after a few key words from the detectives. Every case is neatly wrapped up with a trial at the end of each episode.

In a way I wish my life were neatly wrapped up at the end of the day. Instead, I’m suffering from a massive case of indecision. In a few short months, Jonathan and I will elope. I’ll sell my house and buy a house for us in the country so the kids can stay in the same school system. What I can’t figure out is what to do with my own life.

Should I focus on photography? Should I focus on a food blog? Should I focus on becoming becoming more knowledgable at my job since they’re “restructuring”? My job is definitely not my passion. My passion is photography. Maybe I should pursue a food blog because I wouldn’t have to carry as much gear given that I have arthritis?

I just can’t make up my mind.

How I wish I could play in the snow

Two feet of snow and I still don’t get a day off. I could have taken a personal day, but that reflects negatively on my personnel record.

Since the snow is higher than the undercarriage of my car, I’m working from home. How can one possibly drive through unplowed streets with snow higher than the bottom of a car?

Since I’ve been working from home today, I’ve had some time between appointments to do a few chores at home. I haven’t had time to shovel snow of my sidewalk and car. When will I have time to shovel out my car to make it to the office tomorrow?

For reasons unknown, I’ve been having terrible stomach cramps for hours. This isn’t filling me with motivation to work hard. I feel more like lying in bed. Today isn’t the best of days. I’d much rather have the day off and feel well enough to play in the snow.

“Restructuring”…How vague

TheCompany announced they are restructuring my department. “Restructuring”…How vague. Restructuring could mean anything. Different titles, different departments, different rate of pay, layoffs, outsourcing… Why did TheCompany bother with such a vague announcement? They haven’t clearly answered a single question. We all know that corporations are about riches and power and treat people as cogs in the machine; expendable resources. It’s not like TheCompany is going to tell myself, or anyone else, what they’re really up to.

I’d much rather work for myself, but I’ve been struggling to make time for my business as of late due to the corporate job. Perhaps “restructuring” will serve as motivation to make the time now that I should be through with the 80-100hr work weeks.

Speaking of the corporate day job, I’m not sure how I’m going to get there tomorrow. We’ve already received 12″ of snow with more expected tonight. Due to arthritis and fibromyalgia, I’m having a painful muscle spasm in my lower back. How am I going to dig my car out of a snow bank to drive down several unplowed hills to make it to work tomorrow? It’s not like I have people who I can call up and ask for help. Anyone willing to help lives too far away to help or will also be snowed in tomorrow.

Snow was much more fun when I was younger. Snow meant a day off to sled down hills and thaw beside the wood stove.

My merry-go-round life

What am I doing with my life? It was so easy to distract myself from my stagnation when working 80hrs a week. Now that things are slowing down at work, the stagnation of my life is again at the forefront.

I haven’t created art lately. I haven’t done anything creative lately. I haven’t taken a personal day or vacation. I just work, come home, fix dinner, do chores, watch TV, repeat. My life feels like a merry-go-round spinning just fast enough to keep me from getting off and moving on to something else.

I just want to do something fun. Something creative. Something that adds variety and meaning to my life.

Early ’90s Country Bumpkin

The double wide, decorated in early ’90s country bumpkin, on acres of land near a house far has been sold. At first Jonathan was crushed that his dream house…erm, trailer…sold. I on the other hand was not crushed. I am purchasing the property and know that double wides have low resale value and are difficult to finance.

At my encouragement, Jonathan has started looking at other properties. One which I especially like has an exterior similar to the exterior of a house in the city which we’ll call DreamHouse. The original DreamHouse is practically a mansion with a vineyard on the property and a nearly million dollar price tag. DreamHouseLite has similar features, but is much smaller and sans vineyard. Medium colors brick, a deep red door, and iron work columns painted a shade of cream. DreamHouseLite has all tile floors, 2 acres, almost 4,000 sq ft total, and gorgeous kitchen with windows looking into the peaceful yard.

DreamHouseLite is a 45minute drive from work, but it’s not a difficult drive. Plenty of country, fields, and farms to admire as I drive past in the early morning hours.

Alas, there is so much to do before I can put my house in the city up for sale…