<In the voice of Dr Farnsworth from Futurama> Good news everyone!
I’ve been hive-free for a couple days! Since antihistamines make me horribly drowsy on top of my existing autoimmune fatigue, I researched natural antihistamines. Green tea is a mild antihistamine. Local honey can help build a tolerance to area pollens. So, I’ve been drinking a large bottle of freshly brewed green tea with honey in the morning. I was extremely skeptical, but the hives and itching have decreased to a tolerable level. I can sleep through the night without itchy skin waking me up. I can sit through a day at work without squirming in my seat all day too. Surprisingly awesome.
There are huge expanses of things I could write about other than allergies. It’s nice to focus on things other than allergies.
The main diamond fell out of my engagement ring while I was rinsing out a cooler. I didn’t bump my hand. I didn’t get the ring stuck on anything. The diamond just fell out. While I was searching for the diamond in the grass, I snapped at Oliver. Luke asked me what I was doing and I explained I was looking for the diamond that fell out of my ring and less than a minute later the same voice asked what I was doing again. I thought Luke was not listening – sometimes Luke just doesn’t listen – but it was actually Oliver asking a brand new question.
Jonathan snapped at me for snapping at Oliver because I thought Oliver was Luke. Jonathan actually spent the entire day snapping at me, but insisting he wasn’t mad. According to Jonathan, his anger was all in my head. <eye roll>
Once we made it the river to go tubing with a bunch of my friends, Jonathan accused my friends of ditching me. Then he accused me of failing to stand up for myself. In actuality, my friends didn’t realize that Luke was having second thoughts about tubing down the river so he’d gotten out of line. I had to go back to persuade Luke that tubing was safe. My friends just didn’t realize I wasn’t behind them. Their behavior certainly wasn’t malicious. In fact, my friends brought s’mores, crackers, cookies, and lemonade for Luke and Oliver. They had just assumed Luke would be more adventurous than he was prepared to be.
After spending the entire day listening to Jonathan insist that his grumpy mood was all in my head, I’m glad to have my own space today. I contacted the vendor who we bought the engagement ring from and they’re looking into a one time replacement even though the stone is lost for good.
Breaking out in hives when I should be sleeping…
When I take an antihistamine, I’m so drugged that I cannot think at work.
When I don’t take an antihistamine, I break out in hives and itch miserably from head to toe all day.
At least my face hasn’t swollen up like a balloon again thanks to Flonase and Optivar…
Visited the doctor…
New meds! Stopped taking Savella because I’m allergic. Stopping Savella stopped the cardiac symptoms. The remaining symptoms are caused by asthma and seasonal allergies. No major lung or heart problems. New eye drops, antihistamines, and nasal spray. Hopefully all of this keeps my face from swelling up like a balloon again. I haven’t had to wakeup and apply ice packs to my face for the past 5 days. Before the new meds, my face swelled up every morning for weeks and I had to wakeup early to apply ice packs so I wouldn’t look deformed at work.
As grateful as I am for modern medicine, I’m annoyed I have to take so much of it just to live a somewhat normal life. Be grateful for the health you have.
Good thing I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow, right? Yeah… I woke up with one eye swollen almost completely shut. Swelling around the eyes is nothing new, but usually the swelling is not severe enough to close my eye.
Cold water. Allergy eye drops. Covering my face in Preparation H. Applying ice packs…
After all this I was able to open my eye and my improvised treatment reduced the swelling by 50%, but I still had to work through an entire day with a visibly swollen face. I tried to wear my hair over the eye as much as possible hoping my coworkers would think I was trying a new hairstyle rather than suffering from another ridiculous allergic reaction.
Geeze allergies are so stupid…
At least the cardiac symptoms stopped since I stopped taking Savella. I looked up unusual side effects of Savella because it was the most recent medication I started and I’ve never had high blood pressure, rapid heart beat, hot flashes, menopausal symptoms, and difficulty breathing without the mucus typically associated with asthma prior to taking Savella. Either the cardiac symptoms have coincidentally stopped, or stopping Savella has stopped my cardiac symptoms.
Doctor’s appointment on Thursday. Yes, I finally caved after months of suffering through asthma, allergy, and cardiac symptoms. I’m just hoping the doc doesn’t prescribe another round of prednisone (the oral steroid which is life saving, but caused me to gain 70lbs in 6mo with no change in habit).
I guess we’ll just wait and see.
At least Jonathan realized that I don’t hate the outdoors. I love the outdoors. I do not, however, love that I have a life threatening allergic reaction to a bazillion things which are also outdoors.
Kids on the swings pumping their legs back and forth. Oliver yells “Becca! Look at me! I’m swinging up high!”
Luke calls out “Watch this!” and tosses his stuffed animal onto the slide and watches it spiral down.
Jonathan sits with his head in his hands because he’s immune, but I just watch. These are the last summers of childhood before they become tweens and teens.
Stuffed animals won’t be cool and no one will shout “Watch this!”, from a playground swing. These are the last years they’ll need me, but hopefully not the last they’ll love me. These are the only years I get to be a mom.
There’s no time for sitting on a picnic bench with my head in my hands.
“I can’t believe she remarried already. I mean, she just got divorced!”
“What’s going to happen with this one when she decides she wants to start sleeping around again.”
“I can’t believe she’s let herself go like that. She’s so fat now! How did a guy like [Jonathan] decide to marry such a cow.”
Divorce shaming. Slut shaming. Fat shaming.
Yes, people have said these things about me since the wedding. I typically roll my eyes as so much is second hand gossip. I reply to the rest with sarcastic commentary.
Hearing insults like this used to upset me. I’d wonder what I could have done to bring the negative remarks upon myself. Surely I must have done something to deserve those sentences; something to make the statement true. I’d torture myself with a diet – and by “diet” I mean a starvation diet because I was already restricting calories. Sometimes I’d cry. I’d repeat the insult over and over and over to myself because the only way to every stop being horrible was to remind myself how horrible I really was.
Today, I roll my eyes and reply with sarcasm although I’m “fatter” than ever. A lot has changed in the past 5yrs.
I never chose to get divorced. My exhusband cheated on me and left me for someone else. I never chose to sleep around, but I chose not to pursue bad relationships even if that meant breaking up. I never chose to be fat. I don’t sit in a closet eating potato chips – I got an autoimmune disease, took meds, and gained weight. I did chose to stop torturing myself with the unenlightened opinions of douche bags because I realized that their insults say more about who they are as a person than who I have ever been.