I came home from work feeling defeated and ready to flop across my bed and cry myself to sleep because the pain had been so unrelenting today. I took meds, I stretched, I drank water…nothing helped for long. The pain invaded every thought, every activity, every minute. Constant, unrelenting, grating pain.
Flopping on the bed in tears after work wasn’t a viable option because Luke and Oliver needed dinner, showers, homework checked, papers signed, order forms filled out, etc. The cats needed dinner. BigDog needed training time. MediumDog needed attention and dinner. I gulped down a few more ultram to take the edge off so I could function.
Shortly after I got home, Luke threw a mega-tantrum over his math homework. Luke is 12, but he was crying, shouting, screaming, and acting like a child half his age. Luke regresses when he feels overwhelmed. Lately, Luke has been declaring that he wants to kill himself whenever he feels frustrated making it difficult to determine if Luke is just going for dramatic affect or if Luke actually intends to commit suicide. Do I rush him to the psychiatric hospital to be committed because he intends to harm himself or do I refuse to take his comments so seriously?
After 2hrs of mega-tantrum, Jonathan took a break from gardening to grumble at Luke for having bad behavior. It didn’t really help. Jonathan didn’t take Luke’s suicide threats seriously. Per Jonathan, I wouldn’t take Luke’s threats seriously if I had “raised Luke from the beginning”. Luke demanded that I walk to his room repeatedly even though walking was very difficult for me and he just wanted to ask a question about his homework. I understand Luke was upset, but I wish Luke would understand how much pain I experience at times. I try to explain it, but I’m not sure he truly understands. If he understood, he wouldn’t refuse to leave his room and demand I come to his room to answer questions on days like today.
These days, Jonathan spends most of his time outside gardening while I do the house chores, cooking, animal chores, and take care of the kids after work. In the morning, Jonathan sleeps for 3hrs after I wake up to get the kids and myself ready for school.(This doesn’t bother me, however, because Jonathan is in a rotten mood in the mornings) I’m hoping Jonathan’s garden endeavors pay off in much lower grocery bills this summer. I’m hoping that I’m not stretching myself thin and dealing with everything on my own just so Jonathan can dig in the yard.