Chronically Dishonest

My hands and feet are swelling and I have such a bad headache I can’t sleep. I’m sure the nap I took earlier didn’t help. I just felt so bad earlier that I thought lying down might help. It didn’t. Drinking water, taking aleve, applying an ice pack, taking ultram, sipping tea, and sitting in a dark room haven’t helped my headache either. It’s the moderately painful, stubborn variety of headache that just will not quit.

One of the hardest parts of having a chronic illness is having no one to whine to. When you’re sick – like normal people sick where you eventually recover- people don’t mind the inconvenience of listening to you whine about your momentary misery. However, when you’re chronically ill with no chance of recovery, people get very tired of listening to you whine since every day can present a new symptom and new reason for complaint.

I know from experience that I have to spread out my whining. I can’t whine too much to any single person no matter how much they “care”. I know they’ll get tired of listening and eventually they’ll come to see my health complaints as excuses or something I’ve brought on myself. They will make pity remarks about how I should get over it, be more positive, and just try harder. Unfortunately, I know this from years of experience.

I have to be chronically dishonest to preserve relationships, really. You know your honesty will slowly wear away at your friendships until the friendships collapse if you share too much too often. You have to say you’re fine even when you’re feeling utterly miserable at least 50% of the time to avoid overloading your friends and family. Even when you want to tell those closest to you just how miserable you really are, you can’t and that’s hard.

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