I’ve spent the past few weeks feeling mostly well with the exception of feeling completely exhausted. No major pain to report. The rash on my face has been reduced to a few spots (it was covering the majority of my face). It’s just that no matter how much rest I try to give myself or how slow I try to take things, I’m mind crushingly exhausted from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed.
Exhaustion is making it hard to work through the day. It’s hard to be patient with the kids. It’s hard to get anything done, really. This level of exhaustion is hard to describe. It’s worse than the tiredness you feel when you’re catching the flu. It’s worse than being sleep deprived. The only thing I can equate it to is staying up for over 48hrs straight. I had to do that for work once when I was on call. By the end of the 48hrs I was falling asleep at the table as I tried to work and falling asleep in the shower. I don’t remember getting to bed that night. That’s the closest to how I feel right now.
Since I received a gift card to Amazon, I ordered the kindle version of What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Fibromyalgia. According to Dr. St. Amand, the author, most fibromyalgia symptoms can be reversed by taking guaifenesin. Guaifenesin is the drug in Mucinex that loosens mucus. According to St. Amand, guaifenesin is only helpful in reversing fibromyalgia symptoms if all salicylates are removed from the patient’s hygiene regimen. Salicylates are in most lotions, cosmetics, tooth pastes, hair products, bath soaps, etc.
Since starting guaifenesin protocol would entail purchasing an entirely new array of hygiene products, I would need to save up before I could start. Currently the only treatment for the body engulfing skin rash that’s been effective is packed with salicylates. My sulfate free soaps, shampoos, face was, and makeup all contain salicylates too. But, as miserable as this exhaustion is, perhaps saving up a giving the guaifenesin protocol a try will be helpful. (Especially considering guaifenesin has little to no risk of side effects).
Before I was married to Jonathan, I would often think about suicide when I felt debilitatingly sick. Obviously I wouldn’t commit suicide now because it would be extremely traumatic to Jonathan, Luke, and Oliver. But, before they were in the picture, I would think about what would happen when I finally become too sick to work. Where would I live? Who would take care of me? I couldn’t depend on my family to take me in and it’s unfair to expect friends to support me or care for me since they all have their own lives. So, I decided when I finally get too sick to work, when I just can’t push myself any longer, I would re-home my pets with a no-kill shelter and commit suicide.
Suicidal thoughts of this nature are relatively common among people suffering from fibromyalgia, chronic pain, and RA. I don’t feel crazy or depressed when I have suicidal thoughts, really. I’m not sure thinking about suicide when you’re chronically ill is depression either. It’s different than depression for me. It’s a plan B. What would happen when I’m so sick I needed to be taken care of but there was no one to take care of me…